FirstLineFiction beta

from Contest #3

            I read about it in the paper, in the subway, on my way to work. If I had it to do over again, I never would have even glanced at the paper lying in the seat beside me that morning. When I picked up the abandoned Celebrations section of the paper, I never suspected that my world would soon start to crumble as a result.

            I perused the birthdays without seeing a single name I recognized. The engagement announcements also yielded only strangers. As my eyes took in the first couple under the “Wedding Announcements” heading, my heart skipped a beat. I quickly began reading the small article under their name. “Logan Bram and Arianna Miller were joined in holy matrimony on May 20 at the First United Church of Christ in Albany, New York. A reception at the Riverside Country Club followed the ceremony. Logan is the son of Bryce and Kathy Bram of Albany. Arianna is the daughter of Jeff and Allison Miller of Manhattan. The couple honeymooned in Paris and are now living in Albany.”

            “Logan got married,” I didn’t realize I had spoken aloud until I saw a fellow passenger give me an appraising look. I figured I must look like a loon sitting there clutching a newspaper and mumbling to myself, but I couldn’t seem to pull myself together. My whole body felt numb and my eyes were swimming in tears.

            I hadn’t seen Logan in seven years, not since our high school graduation. I could still picture him walking towards me in his royal blue graduation gown with a huge grin spreading across his face. I remember desperately wanting to hug him, but being too insecure to do anything more than congratulate him on his scholarship and wish him luck at Columbia the following year. Throughout high school, Logan and I flirted back and forth, but I was always too shy and self-conscious to ask him out or tell him how I felt about him. So we parted ways after graduation, but he didn’t leave my heart.

            For the past seven years, I had lived my life and dated different guys, but had secretly hoped Logan and I would reunite and end up living happily ever after. The wedding announcement clutched in my hand shattered that hope into a thousand pieces. It was strange that my heart could be broken so completely by a guy that never even took me on a date.

            The rest of the day passed in a foggy blur. I can’t recall anything about work or how I got home that night. My mind was just in a completely different place. I kept obsessing over my life, or lack thereof. I had done the whole college thing and then moved to the city to pursue a career in business. I had imagined having my own corner office, living in an opulent apartment, and making my way through the eligible bachelors list. But, of course it hadn’t turned out that way. My “corner office” was actually a cubicle, my “opulent apartment” was barely bigger than a breadbox, and the last “eligible bachelor” I dated was in dire need of a job and a breath mint.

            I felt as if I was standing still and the rest of the world was moving around me. People were getting promotions, getting married, starting families, and finding happiness while I spent my days in a cubicle and my evenings either alone or with meaningless dates. I wasn’t going anywhere and seeing that Logan was making a life for himself with someone else felt like a stab in the gut.

            After two weeks of crying myself to sleep and feeling sorry for myself I decided a distraction was needed. I decided to fix myself up and go out for a few drinks and maybe more. After careful consideration, I chose a short black skirt and a red silk blouse. I brushed my thick, brown hair out around my shoulders and redid my makeup. I gazed at my reflection in the mirror and for the first time in two weeks, my blue eyes were shining with excitement instead of tears. “Jenna, tonight you are going to go out and have fun! You are not going to think about what’s-his-name and you are not going to cry. Tonight is the first night of the rest of your life, so let’s start it out on the right foot.” I gave myself a quick smile and nod and headed out the door.

            When the cab pulled up in front of my favorite bar, The Shadow Lounge, I could tell that business was slow tonight. The excitement of a night out began to ebb as the realization sank in that I would probably be leaving alone yet again. “Oh well, at least I can get drunk,” I muttered to myself as I walked into the dimly lit bar. I quickly surveyed my surroundings and found that there were approximately ten other patrons besides myself and they all seemed to be coupled up. I quickly made my way to the bar and ordered a Cosmo. The bartender made my drink and then left me to sip my drink in peace. So I drank alone at the bar, with no more company than I had at home.

            I was halfway through my third drink when I saw a guy walk up to the bar. He was dressed in a gray suit and tie and appeared to be around my age. He had a nice build and thick, dark hair. I couldn’t make out his facial features in the dim light, but there was something familiar about him. I was about to avert my gaze when he looked over and caught my eye. My heart stuttered in my chest. It was him. Logan Bram was standing just a few feet away from me.

            “Jenna, is that you?,” Logan asked in a surprised voice. “Oh my God! Logan?,” I tried to sound surprised and nonchalant at the same time. My palms began to sweat as he brought his drink over and pulled up a stool beside me. “So, are you living in the city now?,” he asked. “Yeah, I’ve been here for about three years now.” He nodded and smiled at me. It didn’t seem fair that his smile could still have such an effect on me. My heart began to race and I could feel my lips turn up in a smile of their own. We spent the next two hours talking and reminiscing over drinks, lots of drinks.

            I’m not sure exactly how many drinks I had, but I had enough to loosen my tongue. Logan was just getting up to leave for his hotel. He was in the city on business and was driving back to Albany in the morning. I touched his arm and asked him to sit down a minute. “I have to tell you something. I may never get another chance and I’d probably kick myself later if I didn’t tell you.” He gave me a curious look and nodded for me to go on. “I think I’ve been in love with you since the tenth grade. I know it sounds crazy, and I don’t know, maybe I am crazy. So, you can let me down easy now and leave,” I spoke the last sentence softly while staring at my drink. The next thing I knew his hand was beneath my chin and he was leaning towards me. The kiss was amazing, and the spark was undeniable. “You’re not crazy, Jenna,” he whispered in my ear. If I wasn’t hooked before, I was now.

            We hailed a cab and took it back to my apartment. Logan  kept his distance until I unlocked the door, but as soon as we stepped inside he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me with more passion than I ever could have imagined. We stumbled towards my tiny bedroom and we, surprisingly, managed to make it to the bed. I can still see his face above me. He was breathing heavily, but gazing intently into my eyes. It felt like a very vivid dream, and I was terrified that I was going to wake up. But it was no dream.

            I awoke in the morning and reached for Logan, but my arms found only empty air. I opened my eyes and I was alone. I got out of bed and threw on my pink silk robe before searching my apartment for him. Due to the size of my apartment, it took me less than a minute to realize he was gone. I slowly walked back to bed and sat on the edge. When I sat down, I saw a piece of paper flutter to the floor. I reached down and discovered the note Logan had left for me. It was short and to the point. It said simply “I’m sorry. This was a mistake.”   

            “I was a mistake,” I whispered. I sat unmoving on the side of my bed as tears silently fell from my eyes. He saw me as nothing more than a drunken mistake. I was just a one-night stand he now wished he hadn’t had, just a dirty secret he would have to hide from his wife.

            I called in sick to work that morning. My day was spent cleaning my apartment because I kept catching whiffs of his cologne. When I was satisfied that the only detectable fragrance left in my apartment was Pine-Sol, I turned on the TV and curled up on the couch with the two men that never let me down- Ben and Jerry.

            I kept telling myself that I would get over this, that I would get over him. At least now I knew I had played my hand. I had revealed how I felt about him, even though he was married at the time. I no longer had to live with regrets and wonder constantly what could have been. Now I could, and would, move on. I put Logan Bram on a little shelf in my head labeled “the past.”

           The next three months were some of the best of my life. Instead of staying home after work, I went out. I went not just to bars, but to new coffee shops, bookstores, restaurants, and parks. I went different places and met different people. I had a new outlook on life, a better outlook. I was living for the moment and letting bygones be bygones. Those were good times, until I realized I hadn’t had my monthly visitor in three months.

          I picked up a pregnancy test after work one day and took it home, praying for a little minus sign. The ten minute wait felt more like an eternity. I prayed more in those ten minutes than in the past ten years combined. I held my breath as I walked back into the bathroom to discover my fate. My last minute praying was to no avail, the little pink plus sign was bright as day. I was pregnant with Logan Bram’s baby.

         I struggled with myself over what to do. Should I call him, or just deal with it by myself? Of course he had a right to know, it was his child as much as mine. But he was married, so of course that complicated things. This was never how I imagined having my first baby. I was supposed to be married with a nice house and enough money to actually raise a child. Having a baby with a married lover was never part of my plan, but then again, shit happens.

        Over the next week, I went back and forth over whether or not to contact Logan. I finally decided I should at least call him and let him know. It was easy enough to find his number on the Internet, “Bram” isn’t exactly a common name. The hard part was getting up the nerve to dial the phone. I was terrified that Arianna would answer and immediately know I had slept with her husband. I finally mustered enough courage to punch in the numbers, but  the whole time I was hoping no one would answer.

        “Hello,” Logan’s voice greeted me. “Logan, this is Jenna,” I managed in a voice barely above a whisper. “What are you doing calling me? What if my wife was home? She could’ve been the one to answer the phone!,” he sounded very irritated with me. “I have to tell you something important. Uh, do you think maybe we could meet somewhere tomorrow?,” my voice was shaking as I uttered the last sentence. “Jenna, I understand you have feelings for me, but what we did was wrong. I love my wife and I’m not risking my marriage over you. I’m sorry, but I’m not meeting you anywhere,” he said with finality. “Fine, I’ll just tell you now. I’m pregnant.” I waited for an answer but there was only silence. “Oh, and it’s yours,” I said into the silence.

       “What do you want from me?,” he asked in a cold voice. “I just wanted to tell you. I thought you had a right to know,” I responded. “I have a right to know that my one-night stand is pregnant? I mean, seriously, you were an easy lay. How the hell do you expect me to believe that I’m the only possible father?,” he spat out. “Screw you, Logan. You are the only possible father, whether you want to own up to it or not. But don’t worry, I’ll deal with it on my own since you’re not man enough to step up.” I hung up the phone before he could respond and broke down into tears of anger. “What the hell am I going to do,” I whispered to myself.

        I weighed the options carefully over the next couple of days and decided the right choice for me was abortion. Before all of this happened, I never would have imagined killing my own baby. I just knew there was no way I could raise a child by myself and I knew if I carried the baby for nine months I wouldn’t be able to give it up. So, I called in to work, went to the clinic, and aborted my baby.

       As soon as I left the clinic, I saw a woman walking by pushing a stroller. Her baby girl was sitting up smiling at her surroundings. As they got closer the little girl looked me in the eye with her innocent little eyes and waved her chubby hand at me. I felt my heart break in that instant as I realized what I had done. I had killed my baby because I was too scared to face up to my mistake. In that moment, I felt guilty to be alive while an innocent life was gone.

       I went home and gathered all the pills in my medicine cabinet. I had a nice assortment of sleeping pills and pain killers. I took them all and washed them down with a fifth of vodka. I stumbled to the park across the street from my apartment building and sat on a bench as my vision began to blur. I watched the clouds move across the sky until the blackness enveloped me.

       It has been six months since that day. I spent those months in a “behavioral rehabilitation center”, or what most people would call a mental hospital. It was therapeutic for me to get away from everything for awhile and come to terms with myself. Two weeks ago my doctor told me he felt I was ready to go home and start living again. I think he’s right. I’m in the subway now, on my way to my new job at a coffee shop. I picked up a paper to read on the way, there’s nothing worse than a boring subway ride. Nothing in the news interests me today, so I might as well flip to the Celebrations section to see if I recognize anyone having a birthday today. There’s no one I know in the Birthday section, or the engagement section, or the wedding announcements. “Oh my God!”, I say as my eyes take in the following announcement: Logan and Arianna Bram welcomed a healthy baby boy on March 15. Jacob Michael Bram weighed 8 lbs. 2 oz. He is Logan and Arianna’s first child. Logan is the son of Bryce and Kathy Bram of Albany. Arianna is the daughter of Jeff and Allison Miller of Manhattan.

      “He had a baby,” I mutter to myself. I am struck with a strong feeling of déjà vu when the woman sitting beside me gives me a quick once over. Again, I must look like a loon sitting here muttering to myself and clutching a newspaper. I can feel my new outlook on life starting to wilt as the scab on my heart is ripped off. All of this over a damn wedding announcement.

 

 

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