FirstLineFiction beta

from Contest #3

I read about it in the paper, in the subway, on my way to work. I don’t know why it caught my eye. I guess it was the heading “Newspapers Are Dying”. It was an article about the demise of newspapers in a world dominated by the internet, television, and technology. It was a boring article but it was the last paragraph that caught my eye. Newspaper ad revenues were plummeting, but the personal ads were the remaining profit-producing section of newspapers. I found that curious since I never paid much attention to that section. I turned to it.

There were hundreds of ads spread across several pages. I started reading them and they were hilarious, sad, and intriguing. There were ads from singles, divorcees, marrieds, heterosexuals, homosexuals, transgenders, transsexuals, and other people who defied definition. They all portrayed a stratum of the population that was lonely and sometimes desperate. Just as the car pulled into my station, I read one that was especially interesting.

“Buxom SMWF looking for SMWM, retired or semi- retired who enjoys drinking beer, watching TV, fishing and making love by the fireside. Respond to NYGazette.com/box 294A.”

 I had to read it a second time when I got to work to make sure I hadn’t misread it. I also checked the section key to find SMWF meant Single Mature White Female. It had to be a hoax. It was a man’s dream come true. I decided to answer the ad as soon as I got home.  I fit the description perfectly.

I was certainly a SMWM – maybe not that mature. In the core of our being is the child we once were. Mine would escape every once in awhile. I was divorced, a victim of a marriage that had deteriorated into a mundane, sexless and monotonous routine. Since then, I had been looking for love in all the wrong places and here was, what appeared to be, the ideal woman for me.

 Buxom...that word conjures up such wonderful thoughts. I was definitely into buxom and always had been. There is buxom and there is buxom. I preferred a Loni Anderson buxom type over a Mama Cass.

My qualifications fit this lady’s requirement I was not fully retired, not by choice but by economic cutbacks, so I guess I was semi-retired. I was 67 and trying to subsist on Social Security and the small pension I received from The New York Transit system where I was forced into retirement two years ago after spending 35 years driving a city bus for them. This was not enough income to cover my budgeted expenses so I had taken a part-time job in the city as a “greeter” for FAO Schwartz three days a week.

 I drink a lot of beer, more now than ever, viewing myself as an aficionado of micro brews from around the country. I’m also a TV junkie; I will watch reruns for the tenth time if there is nothing else on. I had long ago given up on the bar scene, having failed miserably at meeting someone I wouldn’t have to pay for and so I whiled away my evenings watching TV until I fell asleep.

 Fishing was the only real passion I had in life. It was adventurous, challenging, fun and offered me the opportunity to escape from the humdrum of city life.  I used to fish almost every weekend, weather permitting, but in the last five years, I haven’t even wet a line.

 And finally...”making love by the fireside” just about wrapped it up for me. Just thinking about it made my blood pressure rise. I would email her immediately after work.

 That night I wrote:

 Dear Box 294A,

I am the man of your dreams; look no further. I am a silver –haired divorced gentleman living in Hoboken.  I have been semi-retired for 2 years and I love to watch TV. Fishing is my passion. I don’t have a fireplace but I’m sure I could light a fire in a metal wastebasket. Would that work?

 Tell me something about yourself. Where do you live? What other interests do you have?

Please respond.

Waiting in Hoboken

 A few days later I received an answer.

Dear Waiting in Hoboken

Thank you for replying. I apologize for taking so long to reply but I was deluged with enquiries. I didn’t think there were that many older single men that enjoyed the same things I do.

You are too funny – fire in a wastebasket! That would be just fine.

I live by myself in the city and am also divorced.  I am a trim 120 lb. woman who is quite tall. If asked I usually answer that I am 5’10” although I think I am closer to 6’. My real passion is cooking.

What do you do when you are not retired? Do you work? What type of fishing do you like? What is your favorite TV show?

 Waiting for a reply,

City Girl

Cooking! I love to eat and I love to cook. Is there anything else that this woman could do to make her more than ideal? I answered her immediately.

Dear City Girl

I love to cook also.  My favorite meal to cook is a barbequed honey- glazed shrimp dish served over Balsamic rice. A good bottle of Otter Creek’s Copper ale is a fine accompaniment.  What’s your favorite recipe?

I love to fly fish. There is a challenge of selecting the correct fly to attract a strike rather than dangling just a worm from a hook. I used to drive to the Adirondacks almost every weekend to fish the Ausable River.

I am a greeter at FAO Schwartz. My job is to welcome all visitors to the store and ask them if I could help direct them to the right department. I work part-time three days a week.

I have many favorite TV shows but I guess I would put “Lost” at the top of my list. I am an anomaly with my peers since I love to watch “chick flicks” – any comedic movie about the relationship between a man and a woman.

What is your name? Do you ever get to Hoboken?

Regards,

Hoboken

An answer came immediately as if she were just waiting for my reply.

Dear Hoboken,

I love all types of seafood, especially shrimp. Your recipe sounds familiar. Does it have ginger in it? I have a shrimp recipe that I think you would love.  Maybe I could cook it for you sometime.

Working at FAO must be a lot of fun. I love that store. When my kids were young we would visit two or three times a year especially during the Holiday season.

Have you ever fly fished for steelhead? When you latch onto one of them you know you have a battle ahead.

I have never been able to figure out “Lost” so I have stopped watching it. My favorite movie is “What About Mary”. It was hilarious.

I feel uncomfortable giving out my name to someone I don’t know – maybe if we meet and get to know each other better...and light a fire in your wastebasket afterwards. What do you think?

What caused your divorce?

Affectionately,

Lonely City Girl

I replied immediately.

My dearest Lonely City Girl,

I understand why you do not want to give out your name. I’ll just continue to call you “City Girl”

I understand what you mean by lonely. Since my divorce I have really not spent much time with friends, not that I had very many in the first place. I miss the companionship of someone in my life.

I’m not really sure why my wife and I divorced. We just grew apart. She withdrew her feelings, stopped taking interest in what I was doing, which wasn’t much I guess and pretty much shut me out of her life. She was a lovely lady and had the most infectious smile and the cutest dimple on her right cheek that you ever saw. I actually moved into the spare bedroom at one time thinking it would help the frustration building from the lack of physical contact. I’m an affectionate person and she changed. I guess we both changed.  Why did you get divorced?

I will go the hardware store today and purchase a metal wastebasket.

Affectionately yours,

Hoboken

She replied immediately

Hoboken, my love

That’s pretty much the same reasons I got divorced. I’m a very affectionate person and love to hug, kiss and snuggle but my husband just turned into this couch potato and no longer wanted to do any of the things we loved to do together. It was a major turnoff. My nights are so lonely that I sometimes cry myself to sleep.

Are you a hugger? I miss the intimacy so much. I think the physical aspect of a relationship is so important. If the physical is going great all other problems seem to work out.

I’ll bring the kindling.

Looking forward to hugging and kissing.

Lonely City Girl

This woman was driving me crazy. My mind was in overdrive thinking about meeting her and holding her in my arms. . I had to meet this woman.

My lovely lonely City Girl,

We must meet. If you feel uncomfortable coming to my apartment for candlelight dinner   let’s meet at a restaurant. How about Mario’s Italian Bistro on 59^th and Madison, Friday night at 7:00? Do you like Italian food? Wear something black and sexy. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms.

I don’t know why but I think I am falling in love with you.

Forever.

Hoboken

A quick reply.

My love,

I love Italian food. I will be there at 7:00. See you there.

I think I love you too and can’t wait for you to hold me.

City Girl

That reply made me feel like a teenager going out on a first date. I actually felt lightheaded, a bit dizzy, and my heart started pounding just thinking about meeting her. It was only Monday and it was going to be a long week. Why didn’t I say that I would meet her on Tuesday? Thinking about our meeting I decided I would have to get my hair cut and purchase something new to wear as I had let my wardrobe deplete to tee shirts and dungarees and I couldn’t wear my FAO uniform. I wanted to look my best. I hadn’t felt this good for more years than I could remember.

The restaurant was packed when I arrived and there was a line outside. I passed the group and entered the restaurant. My heart was pounding so hard I was weak in the knees and was sure I was just going to fall over.

“Can I help you sir?” the girl at the front desk said.

“Yes, I’m meeting someone and... she may already be here.”

I stepped in and looked around. I saw a woman in a black dress with her back towards me at a table at the rear of the restaurant. It had to be her. As I approached she turned and smiled at me. She was beautiful and had a smile that reached from ear to ear – a familiar smile and a cute dimple. She was my ex-wife.

 

back to Contest #3